


For Whom the Flowers Grow

by Akiko_Natsuko



Series: Gratsu [49]
Category: Fairy Tail
Genre: Character Death, Established Relationship, Grief/Mourning, Guilt, Hanahaki Disease, Loss, Love, M/M, Meaning, Memories, Sunflowers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-02
Updated: 2019-07-02
Packaged: 2020-06-02 18:42:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,743
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19447327
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Akiko_Natsuko/pseuds/Akiko_Natsuko
Summary: He supposed that it was fitting that he was keeping Natsu alive, in the flowers that now bloomed in his chest, slowly growing, and tangling themselves around his heart and lungs.





	For Whom the Flowers Grow

**Author's Note:**

> 'Sunflowers symbolize adoration, loyalty and longevity. Much of the meaning of sunflowers stems from its namesake, the sun itself. ...'

The petals were a bright yellow in his palm.

Gray couldn’t appreciate their beauty right now, still doubled over on the edge of the bed, his other hand pressed against his chest as he struggled to catch his breath. It wasn’t the first time he had woken like this in the last few months, but this had been the worst. The coughing fit striking him the moment he had woken, and only now beginning to fade, leaving him trembling and breathless nearly ten minutes later. His chest burned. A fire that couldn’t be put out with his ice, and for a moment his vision wavered, flames filling his vision… another fire that had he hadn’t been able to quench until it was too late, and now it wasn’t only his chest that burned, but his heart, and his eyes and he squeezed them shut, a futile defence against the tears that wanted to fall.

_Natsu._

It was nearly six months since they’d ‘won’ the war against Zeref and his empire. But the victory was hollow. Too much had been lost. Makarov’s loss had struck them all hard, and the guild was changed because of his love and his sacrifice, but Gray was only distantly aware of that loss most of the time. It was dimmed by their other loss.

By his loss.

His failure.

He opened his eyes and stared down at the petals in his hand. Sunflowers. It had been Droy who had told him what they were, and Levy who had pointed him the direction of the book that had told him what they meant.

Adoration.

_Gray was the first one to wake that morning, and for a moment, he couldn’t bring himself to open his eyes, in case the last few days had been a dream. It had taken him a long time to get used to waking alone in his bed, to not being too warm from being curled against an unnaturally warm chest. To be without Natsu. It had hurt more than he could ever have imagined possible, an ache that had never left him, even when he’d thrown himself into Avatar and had no time to think about anything else._

_Then Natsu had come back. Still, the same flame-brained idiot that he had always been, but there had been a weight to his words, a shadow in his eyes that most people would miss. He had changed in their year apart. They both had. And for the first time, Gray had wondered if they would be able to go back to how they had been, or whether that was another thing that Tartarus had taken from him. For a time, it had seemed like it, because there was no time to broach the subject, and while Natsu was visibly glad to have him back, it didn’t seem any different from his joy at finding the others and Gray had found himself growing cold. A chill that couldn’t be banished even when he was stood right next to the Dragon-slayer, basking in the heat that he radiated._

_He had been wrong, and even now, he regretted his doubt. Praying that Natsu had never seen it in his expression, although he knew that was a futile hope, because as dense as Natsu could be about certain things, he rarely missed things that affected Gray. Perhaps that was that first real hug, in the shadow of their ruined guildhall had been so tentative, nothing like the crushing embraces that he had come to associate with Natsu. It had been like the sun coming out from behind the clouds, the chill that seeped in not standing a chance beneath its warmth, and Gray had hugged him back. Making sure it was tight enough not to leave any doubt about his feelings, uncaring of the cheering, and wolf-whistles around them, as he leaned in to kiss the Dragon-slayer._

_It had been like coming home._

_But that was yesterday, and now he was afraid to open his eyes and find that it had all been a dream. However, there was a warmth at his back that couldn’t be ignored, and as he forced himself to move, turning towards it, there was a soft snore behind him, and his eyes shot open before he had fully finished turning._

_And there was Natsu._

_The Dragon-slayer was sprawled on his back, mouth open as he snored. He looked peaceful, with no sign of the shadows that were visible when he was awake. One arm was dangling off the bed, and the other – the one with the bandages that had Gray’s stomach clenching with worry, although he had watched Natsu carefully and realised that it didn’t seem to pain him, stretched out towards the Ice Mage. Lingering from where they had fallen asleep curled together. He itched to see what lay beneath, but he wasn’t sure that he had the right just yet, not after so long apart. Besides he didn’t want to wake Natsu, enjoying the sight of him so relaxed._

_And so, he settled in, lying on his side and tentatively reaching out to tangle their fingers together, a smile on his lips as Natsu’s fingers instinctively tightening around his in response. He had missed this. These quiet moments that only he got to share with Natsu, and his eyes were soft as he watched Natsu sleep on, fingers curled around his, and the warmth that he had missed so much soaking into his skin and chasing out the last remnants of the chill._

Loyalty.

_There was blood on Natsu’s lips that hadn’t come from any blow, and Gray was moving, darting forward to support the Dragon-slayer just as Natsu staggered. He tried not to look at the damage that still lingered from their fight, the wounds that he had inflicted in a blind rage, but it didn’t stop the guilt from settling on his shoulders, a weight that only grew as Natsu leaned into him. “WENDY!” Gray knew that this wasn’t something that she could fix. That it was unfair to ask it of her, even as Natsu shook his head, his protest muffled by the coughing fit that took him, one that forced them to a halt as Gray held him up, eyes beginning to burn as more blood bubbled up on the Dragon-slayer’s lips._

_Natsu…._

_He must’ve made some kind of noise. A plea. A groan of agony. Because Natsu looked at him as the coughing faded away, leaving him slumped in the Ice Mage’s hold. It had clearly hurt, lines of pain etched deep into his face, but there was a smile on his lips. The smile that belonged to Gray alone. The smile that he didn’t deserve after what he had done and what he had failed to do._

_“It’s…okay…” Natsu’s voice was terrifyingly breathy, each word sounding as though they had been wrenched from deep inside, stealing his breath as they were. And Gray opened his mouth to shush him, to tell him to save his strength, but Natsu’s fingers tightened on him, and the grip that was weaker than a newborns would be, silenced him more than words ever could. “Gray…I…”_

_“We killed you.” He hadn’t meant to say. He hadn’t wanted to say it. But the absolution he could hear in that broken whisper was just too much for him to bear, and the words slipped out before he could stop them. He regretted them the moment he said them, even before Natsu flinched, but to his shock, the smile didn’t dim or fade, although there was pain in Natsu’s eyes._

_“N-no…” Natsu’s voice wavered and broke, and then he was falling as the strength fled his legs and it was all that Gray could do to support him, lowering them both to the ground, and holding him close. Natsu’s blood was on him now, and he shivered but didn’t pull back. Couldn’t pull back, because this was Natsu… Natsu who was slipping away in his arms, and he was about to call for Wendy again when Natsu leant into him. “I k-knew…. Still tried…to kill him.” Gray was forced to duck his head, forgetting about calling for the other Dragon-slayer as he tried to catch the fading words. He knew? He vaguely remembered Happy saying something like that, but he had dismissed it, because surely even Natsu wouldn’t be that reckless. That self-sacrificing. But looking at him now, meeting the hazy gaze, and seeing the fire that flickered and dimmed in their depths, he knew that was exactly what the idiot had done._

_“Natsu…”_

_Natsu’s hand moved then, shaking wildly, and clearly costing him what little strength he had left to his name as he reached first for his own guild mark, and then for Gray’s. It was a gesture that didn’t need any translation. Fairy Tail came first. Gray came first._

_And for the first time, Gray hated it._

_Even as he understood it._

Longevity.

Reeling from the memories. Heart splintering and shattering anew, as he remembered how Natsu’s hand had fallen away from his chest, and the Dragon-slayer’s eyes had dimmed without another word being spoken. The absolution that he had given, but that Gray could never imagine accepting lying between them, Gray laughed. A broken, brittle noise as he stared down at the petals in his hand. _Longevity,_ he thought bitterly.

They had lost Natsu.

They had lost his future.

So, he supposed that it was fitting that he was keeping Natsu alive, in the flowers that now bloomed in his chest, slowly growing, and tangling themselves around his heart and lungs. Stealing his future, with each ragged breath, and broken cough. He might have given into the ache that spread each day, the exhaustion that dogged his steps, but he couldn’t, because those flowers, so bright and radiant were all that he had left of Natsu beyond the memories. Their colour and warmth, the only thing that could lessen the chill that gripped him, and he trembled as he curled his fingers around the petals, ignoring the crimson that speckled the edges. _Like the blood that had speckled Natsu’s lips, darkening his smile at the end…_ And focusing only on the yellow, on the feeling of life beneath his fingers as the broken laughter became a sob, strong enough to shake his shoulders and send pain lancing across his chest.

_Natsu, I’ll hold on as long as I can…_


End file.
